This is me, raw and real and here to tell my story. A story of love and a story of loss. Im not the same woman I was 12 months ago, well to be honest I am not the same woman I was even 3 months ago, I am now that woman who barely holds it all together, who constantly falls in a heap, but I am also the woman who no matter how much it hurts still manages to get out of bed each morning and live my life.
It all started with what I thought was a perfectly healthy pregnancy, I was the luckiest girl out there right not one vomit, not even a glimpse of nausea. I mean I was tired, but we are all tired, right? My first trimester passed and I didn’t have anything to complain about, I was perfectly healthy all of my bloods were amazing, my baby had a strong little heartbeat and we found out we were expecting a beautiful little boy!
I remember the feelings all to well, I was over the moon, I was finally about to get everything I had ever dreamed of, I already had my perfect husband and my beautiful little bundle was on his way. I wondered what he would look like, who he would grow up to be and I dreamed of the days that we would get to spend as a family.
My 20 weeks scan rolled around, “wow, that went quick” I said to Trent as we walked in to my appointment hand-in-hand. We were so excited, it was Trent’s first time being allowed to come to an appointment as we were in the thick of a worldwide pandemic. We were called in, and sat their staring at the big tv screen. The ultrasound technician started, one healthy heartbeat and one wriggly little bubby growing inside. She started taking measurements, and immediately I knew something was wrong, I looked at Trent with the best smile I could from behind our face masks. My heart sunk, as she continued on with the ultrasound she took some more measurements and we got to the end, she looked at both of us and said, “he’s very small for his gestation”. I smiled and said “oh a little baby, that’s ok” and she said back to me “no not just a little baby, he is very small and well behind where he should be” you could see the sadness in her eyes, she knew, she just knew that things were not good. “I’m just going to call the doctor” she said and left us alone.