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The Unknown

We wen't home that night, after the 20-week scan and I didn't know what to do, what to say, where to start looking. We googled but everything we looked at didn't make any sense. Our OB called us late that night to talk to us about the findings of the ultrasound, what it could mean for us and our baby and what her plan was moving forward. 

We had an appointment to see her in person the next day, but I feel like she was compelled to talk to us about this, perhaps it may have put her mind at ease knowing she'd spoken to her patient and patients husband who were first time parents. 

Kasey's blog mentions the details of that conversation, my memory of the phone call was utter disbelief. I just couldn't believe that my son, who's not even born yet, was critically affected by something entirely out of my control. I couldn't help him grow, I couldn't help him develop, I felt so useless! All of a sudden i had a thought come over me.. It was too easy. Kasey had the perfect pregnancy up to this point. No morning sickness, no unusual feelings or food needs. She was cruising through this pregnancy like a dream. Apart from being tired which I put down to growing our baby, she was great. Did all the right things, avoided the foods they say to avoid, no coffee or coke, she was great!

I think i went outside to gather my thoughts. I do enjoy gardening & landscaping so knowing me, I probably watered the lawn and plants. This gave me time to think and debrief myself on the information relayed to me. It was crippling to be told that my son may not be "viable" or "compatible for life."

The next day we went to the OB's room to have a face-to-face consultation - with masks on mind you, COVID was a big deal then! The OB was in scrubs, said she'd been delivering babies this morning and has a planned delivery in the afternoon but had some time to see us. Kasey & I were so grateful for her to fit us into her day, but at the same time, I wanted answers. 

We spent maybe 45 minutes in her room, going through scenarios and situations. No matter the outcome, it wasn't going to be 'normal.' Our son was measuring two weeks behind in growth, which isn't something normally seen in babies, however there are babies born on the smaller side and that's okay. But, to be 20-weeks gestation and be in the physical form of a 18-week gestation baby, that's alarm bells. 

I left the room not really knowing what it all meant, but I had to be positive and reassure Kasey that everything is going to be ok. "He's going to be alright, he's just a small baby" or "Maybe, he'll have a little growth spurt and he'll be back on track" or "Maybe the ultrasound measurements aren't accurate and our next scan will be normal?"

Unfortunately, we had to wait two weeks for the next scan as any scan earlier may not be enough time for baby to grow and show misleading results. So two weeks we waited..


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